Lefted Behind!

[Jai]

My so called family left this morning for a family cruise, i was excluded by my sister. She asked me last year to go knowing that i didn't have the money, she told me "Don't worry about it, just pay me back when your Workman's Comp. settlement comes". I found out in March that i was no longer included and that she had taken me off the list of guest in either January or Febuary, the only reason i found out this bit of information was because one morning i got so pissed off at her that i told her to take my name off the list, she told me I ALREADY DID. When i questioned my mom about it she told me "Well you don't have the money to pay for it", i guess they were going to wait until i started packing to tell me that i was no longer on the list. My sister haven't talked to me in over 4 months and i don't know the reason why, she'll only tell me "I'm acting like you", which to me is a poor excuse. We live in the same house and see each other on a daily basis, my mother is letting this go on and when i asked her to talk to my sister about it she told me "I'm sick of both of you and i wish you would stop it", i didn't start it but i'm sure as hell going to end it. I've asked other members of my so called family to talk to my sister but no one will step up to the plate and say anything to her, i guess it's for fear that she'll stop talking to them too. They'll be gone for 5 days on a cruise to Mexico, this would had been my very first cruise and i was really excited and looking forward to it, i even asked a couple of friends to go with me. I got a passport and no where to go with it, I think it's fucked up that no one will help me with the problem i'm having with my ex-sister, i say ex-sister because as far as i'm concerned she's dead to me and don't exist. I listened in my room this morning as they got ready to go, i tried to tell myself not to be hurt behind this, not to cry over it but it's hard not to be hurt, it's hard not to cry. When they got ready to leave my mother came into my room to give me a hug, i told her to go, just leave me alone and didn't give her a hug, she told me "I'm sorry, Sandy paid for my ticket" i wanted to tell her to kiss my ass, that's no excuse not to intervene and talk to my ex-sister about whatever problem she have with me. It hurts to be excluded, it hurts to know that my so called family don't love or care about me, it hurts to know that i'm not accepted. My ex-sister knows that she's hurting me but she don't give a fuck and i have to figure out a way to come to terms with the fact that my so called family don't want me around. I pray every night that i get my settlement soon so i can move away from here, they tend to forget who was always there for them, they tend to forget the sacifices i made for them, i want to move as far away as possible from all of them. My ex-sister paided for my son and grandson to go on this cruise and i know she did it to hurt me farther, she don't give a fuck about my son and grandson, she just did it to spite me. I never thought i would say this about a sibling but i HATE my sister with a passion that runs deep and long, i have to keep telling myself that she's not worth going to prison for otherwise i would hurt her in the worse possible way. She or my so called family can't accept the fact that i'm gay, but she have a gay best friend, he went on the cruise today also along with her other best friend and her husband. They didn't include me for Mother's Day brunch also, i spend mother's day by myself with 2 sinks full of dishes, there's 2 sinks full of dishes right now, i might wash them today or wait until later this week to do them. I'm so tired of being treated like shit, i thought family was suppose to be there for you no matter what, but my so called family have proved me wrong on that, i thought family was suppose to love and care about you no matter what, but once again they're proving me wrong on that one also. I feel dejected, rejected, excluded and hurt behind the actions of my so called family, it hurts to know that they don't give a fuck about me and i have to figure out a way to come to terms with it. I'm trying to change and make myself a better person, i've worked hard to get to the place i'm at now, i've cried a lot of tears behind them and frankly i'm tired of crying over people who just don't give a fuck about me. I'm still very much in love with the one who broke my heart, yesterday was her birthday she turned 29 and i would had sent her a card but she moved and didn't give me her new address, she's a part of all this too, she hurt me and broke my heart and didn't apologize. She lead me to believe that we would have a relationship, she told me not to give up on it and the whole time she was only playing and flirting with me {her words not mines}, she finally told me this last year, she finally told me we could be nothing more than friends and she's not into females, this after i told her for 2 years that i was deeply in love with her, she lead me to believe for 2 years that we would be together and i'm having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that she was only playing and flirting with me. I sent her money every payday to get her nails and feet done just so she could feel good about herself, there were times when i sent her money to buy food or help to pay one of her bills. Her boyfriend lives with her and he wouldn't go out and get a job to help support her, i guess that's what i get for falling in love with her, i guess that's what i get for caring about her and the baby. The people i love the most are also the people who's hurt me the worse and maybe i deserve all the heartache and pain i'm having for being so fucking stupid and believing everything she told me. Maybe one day i'll be finished paying for my sins and the universe will forgive me for my stupidity.

[Jai]

Thanks for the comment, it hasn't gotten any better for me and i'm still praying for my Workmen's Comp. settlement to come so i can move away, hopefully it'll come before the New Year's!

[Skylar]

it is the people closest to us that can harm us the most...if only they (and we) could remember that when they (we) interact with them
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your sister and family. That sucks. Hopefully you'll get to do some traveling in the not-toodistant future with or without family.

I hope the road smooths out. I do.