Feeling Overwhelmed!

[Jai]

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that's happening in my life right now, for one thing i'm in a constant battle with Workmen's Comp., since April of this year i've been told that my claim have been accepted and i'm going to get paid, it is now the end of the year and i haven't gotten paid yet. My job have cut me off of my healthcare and life insurance, they have left me flying in the wind by myself, my family have just about abandoned me because i'm gay, they're no help at all. I asked my brother for $70.00 so i could get my buspass for this month and he told me he couldn't do it, everytime my sister does something for me she tells me "Don't forget about me when you get your money", it'll be a cold day in hell before i ask either one of them for anything again. My mother have always been abusive towards me but i'm the one who's taking care of her, well at least i was until my sister moved in earlier this month, but by that time i had taken care of my mom by myself for 15 years. I'm a product of a very abusive childhood from the hands of my mother, she both physically and mentally abused me and she continues to mentally abuse me to this day, i have a lot of anger towards her and just want to get as far away from her as i can. In fact i want to get away from my whole family, they have proven to me that they don't give a fuck about me. My mother don't like the fact that i'm seeking help with my problems, i'm in therapy and see a counselor twice a week, she ask me almost every week when will i be finish with therapy and i always give her the same answer, when i feel better i'll stop going. She's a very controlling person when it comes to me, with my younger brother and sister she not, she tries to control who i have as friends {even though since i've come out i don't have anymore friends, they all chose to walk away from me} she tries to control everything in my life, i just want to get away from her. I've never lived by myself, i took care of my dad by myself even though my oldest brother and sister lived not too far from him, he got me out of the Navy just to come home and take care of him, he passed away 7 years ago and although he was controlling also i still miss him, i still have anger towards him too and i'm trying to forgive him. I've been controlled by my parents all my life and i'm fucking tired of it, i just want to live my life and have a chance at happiness and peace in my life before it's too late for me, i don't think that's too much to ask for. I'm still getting over not having the woman and the baby in my life any longer, and it's really hard, everyday i battle myself not to pick up the phone and call her, i miss both of them very much and i'm just trying to figure out how to move forward with my life without them in it. I'm depressed and was on meds but now i can't get my meds because my job cut me off from my healthcare, my counselor can't prescribe any meds for me, the only thing she can do is refer me to the free clinic for mental health care, but since i have no source of income i can't go, i have no money for a buspass. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, i fight depression and anger everyday and the bad thing is that they're winning, i'm at the place where i feel like giving up and just say fuck it to everything, but i'm not someone who gives up just because i'm down and out at the moment, i'm a fighter and i'll continue to fight until i can't fight anymore. My counselor would tell me that the warrior is coming out in me and i guess she's right!