How do you mend a brokenheart!

[Jai]

I'm currently suffering from a broken heart, besides not having contact with the one i love i was wondering what else i could do to heal. Any ideas/suggestions are greatly appreicated!

[arize]

i suck at this.
usually i find other people to have sex with
and i ritually burn things
and eat a lot of chocolate.
oh and do hot tubs a lot.

[Jai]

I haven't had sex with anyone in 28 1/2 yrs. I wish it was that easy. I've already burned everything she's sent me except for the pictures of the baby.

[arize]

i'm really sorry you're hurting like that, whatever the case.

its not easy even with the sex. in fact it might be harder, i dont know. its just a long process to become whatever new person you'll become without her.

a couple of months ago i went to this reggae show and saw the melodians play. they were sweet. they were like really old school reggae with that 50's kind of sound. their songs all sounded happy even when they were singing the blues. they had me groovin so hard, too! there i was getting off on the music and dancing during this one song and suddenly became aware that of the lyrics: "...learning to get along with out you...." I had wished I had it to play for myself and dance to every time I ever felt broken hearted. we should all celebrate those transitions if we can, even though they really hurt, and just know that we will be fine on the other side.

[Jai]

I'm currently in therapy, i've been going for about 1 1/2 yrs. now and the reason i started was because of her. My counselor got somewhat upset with me on thursday because i was saying stuff like: I was so stupid for letting her {the one who broke my heart} back into my life this year. I had walked away from her last sept. but i missed her and the baby and i was thinking with my heart instead of my head. she told me to stop beating up on myself, but i do feel stupid for letting her back into my life, but i love her and even though i knew she couldn't give me what i wanted i figured having her as a friend was better than nothing at all. I should have known better!

[arize]

i know the feeling. i tend to hang on too long in a relationship. i've never been able to cure myself of it and i'm damn near 40 now. i'm not sure what it is anymore. i used to think it was like low self-esteem, like I would feel some kind of lack of validation with out that person there or something. Now, I don't even know.

Whatever it is, it isn't stupidity, so I would agree with your therapist not to beat yourself up about it. there's nothing you're doing that is not very human, you know? There might be some reason there in your head or something for why its hard for you to leave when for other people it seems easy. Maybe you can figure it out and get past it. but there's no reason for you to be mad at yourself for it.

I always think of the flip side too: the other person participated too.

[Jai]

I think about her part in this a lot, she lead me on for over a year. First she told me she was bi and that she loved who she loved, she didn't look at gender, but i guess when she realized i was very serious with what i feel and what i was telling her she got scared, i don't know, i've been trying to figure it out. She told me that she was only "Playing & Flirting" with me and it 's my fault for believing everything she said. She's blamed me for everything, she won't own up to her part in it, i own up to my part.

[arize]

damn! that sucks! yeah, sounds like she was scared in general but had some moments of thinking she might try the other side or something. that stuff is no fun to mess around with. sorry you went through that! but then she musta been at least a little attracted to you or she would have really cut you off much sooner, you know? too bad. or maybe she was hoping you would just be her friend while she worked through her sexuality? i dunno. i do know its scary to decide to switch up! the world is kind of harsh and i live in one of the most forgiving places on earth for "alternative" sexuality. still a decision to be openly not straight means deciding to put up with an amount of bullshit from the outside world. i mean i know you know this, just saying i understand her fear too. what's really too bad is that she was not conscious of herself enough to keep from hurting you.

i put that song i was talking about on the main page, by the way.

[Jai]

She told me she was strongly attracted to me, when i would go and visit her she would get confused, she have a boyfriend and she would get confused with the feelings she had for me, because she love her boyfriend. I know it was difficult for her, we used to talk about it, but it got to the place where i felt that she wasn't being truthful with me. She used to also tell me to not to give up on having a relationship with her, i really wanted that, i've only had 3 boyfriends in my life and with the three of them combined i still love her more than i've ever loved anyone in my life.

[Khepher]

As someone who's had his fair share of "heartache", I'll share some of the things that have helped me get through these tough times:

1) Reminding myself that it's a grieving process and allowing the emotions to arise and release without judgment
2) Realizing that there's a larger purpose in every experience---no matter how painful.
3) Pampering myself. (i.e. if I want that new shirt or pair of shoes I get it.)
4) Just loving on myself in general whether that be long soaks in the tub, foot massage, appreciating the beauty of nature, etc.
5) Trusting in Divine providence and recognizing that ultimately the heartbreak will lead to a breakthrough of self-understanding and self-love.
6) Forgiving myself for any perceived mistakes or misdeeds...which eventually leads to forgiving the other person.
7) oh and last but not least, red wine and good food along with some of the saddest love songs I've ever heard just to encourage the energy to continue flowing and to avoid the numbness that often accompanies a break-up
8) writing down my thoughts in a journal
9) Listening to happy music and love songs while reminding myself that my capacity for love is infinite and can not be diminished by anyone or anything but my Self.

I hope this helps somewhat. I can empathize with your situation. Please go easy on yourself.
I wish you all the best.

--Mo

[Jai]

Thank you Mo for the encouraging words, i do write in a journal everyday. I listen to sad love songs and cry my eyes out over her, i don't run away from my emotions i sit and bathe in all the sadness i feel. I will try to take your advice!

[Lily]

Mmmm, I feel for you Jai. Anytime you've got one party of one persuasion and the other of another, you've got problems, IMO. Somebody's going to get their hopes smashed and it really can't be helped. And it really isn't anybody's fault. It did drag on a really long time though, more than most - you must have been apart for much of that time? And meanwhile she does boyfriend, plus baby? She's straight. Probably can't bend that, at least not now. I'm sure she really was attracted to you, but attraction is one thing, and action is another; and as others have said, it was too scary. And y'know, maybe she was right to have been too scared? I've seen women couple up where one party's a very experienced lesbian and the other's always been hetero before, and it can go all kinds of ways, but usually it doesn't go for long. You have the newbie very enthusiastic at first (naturally), exclaiming to everyone she meets how fabulous it is and how freed she is now, having discovered her new identity, etc., but in reality, she hasn't "turned gay." She just had a fling, but her biological orientation hasn't changed. And sooner rather than later, they break up. There are exceptions, of course, who might stay together forever after. I really think if you could just get an honest answer to this question: when you masturbate or have sex dreams, what sex are you with? --- you'd have really vital information. We really should ask this question of any potential partner before commiting romantically. If the sex they dream of isn't yours, forget it!

And I know from experience that you can be very emotionally drawn--practically compelled--towards someone completely unsuited sexually for you. It's all real, it just doesn't have any real way to play out for happiness.

The best thing is to always cultivate lots of friends and to not neglect them even though you're crazy about someone or get partnered up, 'cuz you'll need them to be there someday. At a time like this, just spending time with them (time that is *not* spent discussing your broken heart) and doing as many different things as possible is what has helped me thru the awful depression of breakups or vanished dreams. So if you haven't done yet, I sure hope you will get started on that now, Jai - your posts I've seen on Tribe are so real, and so outgoing, I think you need a network of real people, and can have one.

[Jai]

Thank you, i walked away from her last year {2006} for the first time, she told me that it hurt her more than finding out that her boyfriend was seeing another woman, she told me she withdrew into herself and didn't talk to anyone. This past January {2007} we got back in touch with each other thru a mutual friend, and so the friendship started up again. I told her the old feelings on my part were coming back and she didn't want to hear it, so i kept them to myself. She eventually got back with her boyfriend a week before Mother's Day {they had broke up over the other woman} and since then everything between us started going downhill fast. The very first time i walked away from her i went into a very deep depression for 2 months, my counselor was scared to death that i would do something to myself, but i didn't, i pulled thru it with therapy and thru talking things out with my best friend. The thing is that we {me and the young woman} don't live in the same city, she live in the Bay Area and i live in Los Angeles, i would take trips down there to see her and to spend some time with her. I have issues with trusting people, so it makes it hard for me to trust anyone, my counselor want me to go out so i can meet new people, but i'm very distrustful {if that's a word} of people i just meet. When i first met this young woman she told me she was Bisexual and that she didn't look at gender, come to find out that was a lie, she lead me on and when i tried to break away from her she couldn't understand why i didn't want her in my life anymore, so i kept the friendship going because i was interested in her. I should had know that it wouldn't work because of our age difference {I'm 52 and she's 28} but love don't know age, it just knows what it feels. And really i haven't had a girlfriend as of yet, she would had been my first one, i just came out on my 50th birthday 2 years ago, she was the first person i told, i told her before i even told my best friend. Even though i love her i tried to give her what she wanted, a friendship, but i can't be friends with someone i'm in love with, it just don't work for me. I appreicate your advice and i will consider doing what you advise, but for the moment going out and finding new friends is just too scary for me.